Cycle 5, Day 2

Here we are on try 5. I didn't think I would get pregnant the first month, but I thought at least by month 3. Now we are on month 5. For some reason, I also thought it would happen this month, but it didn't.

What am I going to do differently this month? Try not to be so stressed, but my husband and I are both trying to find new jobs. I am going to buy an ovulation test. I haven't bought one yet because I was always sure I knew when I was ovulating. But I am not taking any risks. And my husband is going to be sick of me when the next two weeks are over.

But here we go. Wish me luck.

Another One Bites the Dust

**I wrote this two weeks ago. Since then another couple has announced they are pregnant, and due around the same time.

I can count 5 couples I know who have announced they are pregnant since Thanksgiving. I found out about the last one this morning and I just broke down. All of these ladies are due around the same time I would be due if I had gotten pregnant the first month of trying.

I started out very optimistic at the beginning. The first two months I broke down and cried. Last month, I decided that I wasn’t going to put my self through that all again so I stopped worrying about it so much. I planned the dates and then decided to see what happened. Time went by faster and I was more calm. Then nothing.

This month I am a wreck. Mostly today. I think it is because I know that I shouldn’t feel this way. I know that I will get pregnant or have a baby some other way when the time is right. And the time must not be right now.

I am also trying to remind myself that I am not defined by the fact I haven’t got pregnant yet. I am a wife, sister and daughter. I am a crafter and cook. I am training for a 5k. I am a fabulous employee and have integrity. I am a college graduate and future teacher. And I am a future mother. Because all this time I have to wait until I am pregnant, I can better myself so I can raise better children.

I really am excited for all the people I know who will welcome those little babies into their home in 6 months. I pray that they have no complications and their babies will be healthy. But I also pray everyday that God will let me be the one thing I am not yet.

Month 2...maybe

I think I started my period today. I already had my freak out moment two nights ago, so I am okay with it. I am just glad my cycle wasn’t freakishly short like I thought it was going to be.

I say maybe because what if it is implantation bleeding? These are some responses I am getting from forums online when I search "How heavy is implantation bleeding?"

“It will not be heavy like your period. It will be light to medium bleeding which lasts a few hours to less than 3 days or it can be blood on tissue paper, red, brown or pink vaginal discharge or spotting of blood.”

OR

“Implantation bleeding can be heavy like your period - that's the way it was with me. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for a year, and after another month of trying I thought my period had arrived. The only difference was that it was a couple days shorter than usual. It wasn't until the next month when I noticed constant nausea and breasts so sore that I couldn't bare to shower with my chest facing the showerhead. I took a pregnancy test BEFORE I expected what was soon to be my next period, and found out I was pregnant. “

So… I still have a chance? But if I really am on my period, I will understand. Most people don’t get pregnant on their first time anyways. And this gives me another few weeks to exercise.

The only awkward thing is the next time I am ovulating, we will be visiting our parents. So… we’ll see how that goes.

Waiting Game...Still

I need to get more creative with my topics. Everyone who is TTC is probably sick of waiting.

BUT, I was thinking today about pregnancy tests. When I was younger I didn't get the point of pregnancy test that would give accurate results "up to 5 days before a missed period." Seriously, who couldn't wait 5 days before finding out. That was when I didn't understand what it was like to wait for something I wanted as bad as a baby. Also, a missed period could be something completely different. Last year I missed two periods and I wasn't pregnant.

But now, two days after ovulation, it is hard to wait. I have a week before I will let myself take a pregnancy test. But will I? If it says no, can I handle it? I don't have any pregnancy symptoms.

So, I have 13 days until AF (maybe) comes to visit.

Day 6

Waiting sucks. Also not knowing when I am ovulating sucks. I thought I did enough research before, but I never read that I should keep track of my menstrual cycles and see how long my average one lasts. I just have last time to go off of right now and it was unusually short. So I am not sure if that will be normal.

I have read that if you are stressed about getting pregnant, it is harder to get pregnant. Well, I am not stressed about that, but I am stressed about things going on at work. And I don't think my body knows the difference. My stomach has been in knots all week long, and I keep hoping and praying that it doesn't affect me.

I don't know if I would be able to wait long before finding out if I am pregnant. I feel like I have been waiting over 2 years already, and waiting much longer is going to hurt so bad.

But to put things in perspective, waiting another 2 weeks to know for sure (waiting for AF) really isn't that long. And if she visits, it will just give me more time to put some things in my life in order.

Ovulation Calendar

I have been Googling ovulation calendars for the past few months. Our original start date was September 15, so every time I got my period I would look for a calendar and try to calculate if I would be ovulating.

This calendar on Conceive Online gives my most fertile window and when my expected due date would be if I were to get pregnant. (June 17, put it on the calendar)

This calendar is the first in a google search, and has had many hits from me. It give ovulation time in actual calendar format, which is easy for my visual brain to comprehend. And you can click through the months to find out ovulations for the next months.

Lastly, I think this calendar is my favorite. It will give most fertile days for up to the next 6 months. Also, it tells you when you are most likely to conceive a boy or girl and when a home pregnancy test might work.

Although I have the general idea of when I am ovulating, I still have to check these calendars everyday- just to make sure nothing has changed. I am obsessive like that.

Day 2

My husband and I have started trying to get pregnant. We have been married for over two years and have been planning for this date for the past 6 months. We were originally going to wait until he graduated in December. But the timing is better for us now.

I have been patiently waiting for this day for over two years. When we were engaged we both agreed that we would wait until we were married at least three years and then we would talk about children. But soon after we were married, something hit me. I wanted to be a mother soon. I convinced myself that I was just bored because it was summer and once another semester of college started, I would be okay. But the feeling did not go away. I graduated and now my husband is almost graduated and we are both in the same mindset about children. I must admit that I probably convinced him to move up the timeline, but he is excited.

Last night was our first time without contraception. Right before my husband said he was scared.

“Your scared of sex?” I asked him. But I was feeling the same way. While I am certain this is the path we want to be on, and I have been planning it for the last 6 months, nothing could prepare me for the feelings I have. I am scared out of my mind.

Although I am scared, I am ready to start this next chapter of my life. I am ready for the joys and the pains that come with being a parent. I have heard parents say that there is no pain like the pain that comes with having children, but you haven’t love anyone like you love that child.

I am ready for a little baby hand to wrap around my finger. I am ready for a child’s face to light up because she recognizes me. I am ready to have a little thing so dependent on me. I am ready to feel a little person growing inside me. I am ready to watch as her personality develops and to see the person she grows up to be.

I wanted to keep a record of the journey that my husband and I will have. Maybe I am pregnant right now. Maybe it will take a few months. But be there with me as we take our first steps into the joys (and pains) of parenthood.